I’m at the Oregon Coast…

… in my mind. A girl can dream!

I have the day off because it is a significant day of celebration here in India. Diwali is the Festival of Lights and the time to celebrate good triumphing over evil. So while I will light candles tonight to honor new traditions in my life, this afternoon I needed to feel some small comforts of home. I have officially been here three weeks and in the past few days the reality has set in that I’m not going back – at least not right now. This is my spot. When you take a long vacation you get a bit antsy the last day or two because you know your own bed and creature comforts await. It is as if I almost have that feeling of wanting those comforts, yet they are now gone. They are different.

I’m craving the comfort of the ocean. If I was at “home” it would be a day I’d spontaneously jump in Dave and just drive – finding myself on the sand, soaking up the sounds and smells of the Oregon Coast. The place where I could always go breathe and just be.

The trees and plants remind me of something you would see in Hawaii. The tropical environment eases the pain of looking at the weather app on my phone that says “unhealthy air quality” every day. 😉

In lieu of that, I’m playing make believe. I packed a “beach” bag with a book, headphones, towel and bottle of water. I’m sitting under the tropical trees next to the pool at my apartment complex and I’m listening to a song on Spotify called Ocean Waves Relax on repeat. Pathetic? Maybe. Satisfying? Absolutely

Our days and our lives are what we make them. We may not always be where we want or have what we think we need. But we can create the space that will fill us up. Does the random rooster that keeps cawing at 1:46 pm at an apartment complex confuse me? Without a doubt (I’m literally surrounded by concrete so I can NOT figure out how somebody has a rooster in their apartment – he doesn’t fit the Ocean Waves and maybe that is my lesson for the day). Accepting what is happening in the moment is the only logical answer in this new version of my normal. Enjoy life as it comes to us.

This is my home. The coast is close to my heart and in my mind.

When I got home from work Tuesday Mamatha (my house assistant) had drawn this for me at my front door to help me celebrate Diwali. It is a muggu. I found these words when looking up its meaning, and they totally resonate:   Since cleanliness is considered next to godliness, it is believed that God enters only those households that are clean. It has therefore become a custom to clean the front yard of one’s home and lay a decorative muggu as if inviting God to take the first step into the house and bless the dwelling and the dwellers.

More interesting info on muggus: http://www.dsource.in/resource/rangoli/types-rangolis/muggu

The history of Diwali https://www.thoughtco.com/diwali-festival-of-lights-1770151

And a few pictures for fun. Candles I’ve lit in my home to celebrate, and a flower design on the floor of a hotel next door to my apartment (that I went to the other night to buy a bottle of wine). 😉

 

The outer containers are called Diyas. They are filled with oil and wicks that I’ve lit each night.

Success = Crossing the Street

I’m 43 years old and if you told me that I’d be as anxious as I was to cross a street at my age, I’d tell you that it is absurd. Instead, I successfully crossed two streets (and then crossed them again to get home) and I survived to write about it! What I probably shouldn’t tell you is that I was trying to get to the Sheraton Hotel, where I heard they have a fabulous spa. A former ex-pat suggested that a bit of self-care via spa pampering is a good way to cope with the sensory overload and discomfort of being in a new place. Who am I to argue with that logic?! 😉

Street sweepers cleaning the trash from the gutters. Behind them looms the Sheraton that I crossed the intersection for.

It feels ridiculous starting this post this way, but if you could have seen the anxiety on my face as I stepped out into the street you would understand. There are no rules here. People drive the wrong direction on roads, the don’t respect street lights, and I’m pretty sure that I look just out-of-place enough that I’m a fun moving target. I have visions of Duck Hunt on my old Atari 2600 replaying in my mind. (Which of course makes me want to say GO COUGS at the mention of Duck Hunt. Sorry Wendy!)

It is Sunday night and I’ve got 12 days logged here in Hyderabad. I’ve completed a week of work, figured out how to get an India phone number, and figured out how to buy toilet paper the second time I went to the store (the first time, I got home and discovered I’d bought “high-end” paper towels that are oddly shaped. A rough lesson (no pun intended) that had to be quickly corrected.

I wanted to share some early observations on this journey, as it is such a different world and I want to be able to have it come to life for those who are curious.

Lesson #1: Graciousness

This is a country filled with people who pride themselves on helping. I have lived a life feeling that I need to do everything for myself. I completely suck at asking for help and then accepting it on the rare instance I ask…it’s painful. The beautiful souls I’ve encountered here have forced me to relinquish a stubbornness I’d thought was impossible to get rid of. I don’t really have a choice, so am graciously accepting help when given.

Upon my arrival, I stayed at a hotel for a few nights as my apartment was getting cleaned and ready for me. The staff there insisted on carrying my coffee to my room each day, delivering me fresh water multiple times a day, bowing and smiling as if there was no end to their joy. Here, you say Namaste to say hello to people. It brings me a great sense of joy saying this word so often. And in thanks, I put my hands in prayer pose and humbly nod. It is a giving environment and exchange of services and pleasantries that I find a refreshing change from the pace and navel-gazing you often find in the U.S.

I made the mistake of going to Ikea on a Friday night. The first store to ever open in India and it is pure chaos. I was miserable.

Right now, I’m dependent on a driver to get around. It isn’t safe to drive here, so the company has provided me transportation for the first 45 days. This has been a relief in trying to do basics like get groceries, get to/from work, and visit the Airtel store so I can figure out my SIM card. I got edgy and bucked the system and left my apartment to walk to a coffee shop Saturday morning and it felt good to do something for myself. I appreciate my driver, but again, I’m relinquishing what I’ve known as how I get around.

And then there is Maddla, my House Assistant. This is a country where servants are very normal (although I DEEPLY struggle with that world). It is part of their caste system, of employing all members of society and providing them purpose. Prior to getting here I was struggling with the idea of having a cook, a maid – whatever the label was, I was hesitant. But I found a woman on an ex-pat Facebook group who I was chatting with and I said I was trying to find someone to help care for my dog during the

Maddle made these chapti to pair with some butter chicken. I had left overs so I made mini pizzas for dinner tonight. A taste of home!

day while I was at work. A friend of a friend of hers knew about a woman who had helped a family from the UK who had dogs, and she was known to speak English. I met here when I arrived and opened my home to her last Monday as I left for work. I come home from work every day and she has cleaned the house, cooked me supper, done the laundry, offers to make tea, and glows as she plays ball with Moksha. Mok loves her and is happy, and that is an incredible gift.

After a week, I now get it. She wants to help and be a part of making my life easier and

more streamlined, it is her job and I must get out of the way to let her do it. After a week, I’m getting my bearings and finding joy in what she has made for supper when I get home each day.

Lesson #2: Moksha is the Key

Moksha and me at the first-of-its-kind Dog Park in Hyderabad (the day before it opened)

There was a moment where I wavered on whether I was being selfish in bringing my dog to this foreign land that was filled with so much unknown. I worried for her safety and whether she could adapt. Little did I know that she would be the key to me fitting in and meeting people. This must be what it is like for parents when they go to a new place and depend on their kids for connection points. There are 4 buildings, each 14-stories high in my apartment complex. There is a circular driveway and walking path around the complex and sitting areas positioned in different spots around the path.

Once the temperatures cool at night, the seats are filled with groups of women and men

Moksha on the Channel 9 News. Already a celebrity on her third day in the city…unbelievable!

visiting (separate – and likely talking about each other, ha!). Moksha and I go out each night for a long walk and we take her favorite blue ball. She does a few tricks that they find great joy in and she is an unusual breed for this part of the world, so everyone wants to pet her. When they ask her name, and I tell them it is Moksha (a Sanskrit word that means freedom from all pain and suffering – essentially enlightenment  for Hindus) they are immediately smitten.

Now, we go on walks a few times a day and we have people all over the complex waiving to her, kids running up to pet her, security guards cautiously smiling at her – it blows my mind. If I was alone, I’d just be upstairs in my apartment. With her, she is the conduit to me fitting in and letting me connect with people. What a gift she is!

Lesson #3: Contentment in Discomfort

If you want to buy beer (and there aren’t really any options, so Kingfisher it is!) you go to these street side “shops”. I was the only female and it was super sketch. Just zoom in on the steps to get there. But I went. I made a friend. I had to hear about Ivanka Trump, who had visited the city last year. I let them know I wasn’t a fan. Ha!

Everything I do is new. From turning a switch for my water to heat in the shower each morning, to how to order from Amazon and accept a delivery. The coffee is different, the customs are different, I ate lunch with my hands the other day (how does one do this and appear to have manners?!?), trying to find where the utensils are in the cafeteria at work, walking on the opposite side of the walkway – my brain hurts by the end of the day.

When I was at New Employee Orientation a group of young consultants were fascinated I would come here to work. Aside from the fact everyone knows that the money is in the US (I’m being paid in Rupees – this is about the experience, not about money), they want to understand why I would come here to live. I told them the following: The first reason is I want to learn and get engrained in a new culture; 2) I want to be uncomfortable.

I believe that we learn when we are uncomfortable. I can promise you that in my first 12

Beer Shampoo? I’m not falling for this, but nice try India!

days this is ringing true. I’ve slept REALLY well since I got into my apartment and I believe a big part of this is the daily struggle do just get by and do it without offending people. I smile a lot, I’ve been asking a lot of questions, and I’m trying to be respectful as I seek to understand.

I’m still tired enough at the end of the day that I don’t think I’ve realized that everything I knew is no longer close by. I suspect that once I get into a routine here, it will hit me how far away I am from those I love. Social media, texts, and FaceTime is helping me to feel close, but the fact I’m half a world away is still a bit surreal.

I live in India – it still kinda blows my mind.

Namaste.

 

They have street-side nurseries filled with every exotic plant you could imagine. And the prices are crazy cheep. My poor driver looked at me like I was crazy when I said I wanted to go somewhere to buy plants. He had just taken me to a fancy furniture store and I said that those fine things don’t interest me. I want something that is alive. He just smiled and said “yes madam.” Then he brought me here.

I’ve had the opportunity to travel to many places in the world that have Bougainvillea, yet I’ve never lived where I can have one that survives the weather. Here, I can have one, so Moksha and I have put one on our balcony. It makes me smile every time I look at it.

[AW1]

 

India Adventures Await…

“If a woman does not keep pace with her companions, perhaps it is because she hears a different drummer. Let her step to the music which she hears, however measured or far away.”

– Henry David Thoreau

I have been seeking new adventure, and couldn’t quite place what it would look like, but trusted opportunity would present itself at the right time. While I have loved living in Eugene and made incredible friends, I’m seeking something different. Professional challenge that can compliment my vagabond soul.

In September, I will be moving to Hyderabad, India. I’m returning as a full-time employee to Microsoft and will be manage executive and employee communications for a VP. It is a global team and will be a great professional challenge to see things from new perspectives. Often, I believe there is a very “Redmond-Centric Approach” at the company and I hope to learn new ways of working and thinking, that can bring a more inclusive approach to what I do.

I visited this city and this MS global development center here 5 years ago and made the comment, “I would totally live here.” Ahhh…the power of intention. Since then, it has been in the back of my mind that I wanted to return. I want to learn the culture, I want to better understand the people, and I want to get engrossed in the rich history – especially as it pertains to Buddhism. I did take my Buddhist Refuge Vow (so I’m a practicing Buddhist) and have committed myself to this spiritual path. Being here is just one way I can explore the roots of my beliefs.

I will be taking Moksha with me (thank goodness I gave her a Hindu name – she will fit right in!). Sadly, PennyG is not able to make the move. My dear friend Sally has offered to care for her while I am gone, so Penny will be moving to Northern California. They’ve met before and I know she’ll be in very good, caring hands. Sally gets the importance of a good carrot and handful of parsley!

My time in Eugene has been an amazing gift. I needed a place to go to heal and reinvent myself – discovering the authentic Angie I knew I wanted to be, that wasn’t darkened by the shadow of others in my life. I needed the kindness of this town and the healing powers of the Oregon Coast to aid in my recovery – trying to rid of years of wiring I didn’t necessarily choose. I figured this out during my 2.5 years through the power of the friendships I made, and my deeper spiritual practice I established. I have some key lessons learned that I want to share in a more thoughtful way, so I will do that through an upcoming post.

I’ve made a 2.5 year commitment, and am already making lists of the experiences and adventures I hope to go on, both in India and in other parts of Asia I’ve wanted to explore (Nepal, Cambodia, Vietnam, and more of Bhutan and Thailand). For those brave souls who’ve dreamt of visiting this part of the world, now might be the right time to make the journey. For those who have spent time here and have recommendations, please send them to me.

As I write this, I’m sitting here in Hyderabad, having signed my official offer letter earlier today. The photo at the beginning is actually from my drive to the office this morning, surrounded by locals with the MS office in the background. I’m here for a few days before I return to the US to start the cleaning and packing process. It will be a few months before I’m officially moved. I’m excited, I’m nervous and I’m grateful – this is something I didn’t actually think would ever happen, and in a matter of a few months it has become a reality. It’s a great reminder to me that we hold amazing strength when we set intentions and dream beyond our wildest imagination.

And so the next chapter of life unfolds…

“I am an eternal student of life,

Whether in the light or dark of night,

I open my mind and heart to the new,

No longer afraid, I embrace what is true.”

Career Pursuits

I’m ready to go back to work – Angie wants a normal job. Who knew?!? It has been seven months since I started my own business. I had dreams of impacting companies and employees by humanizing their environments through communications. I’ve loved the work I have done – it has been a good challenge. But being an entity of one is not feeding me as I had hoped it would. And what better way to be honest with myself than to be accountable by turning to my quiet blog for a bit of self-actualization.

I’ve been on a journey of introspection and clarity seeking the past four years. I worked to recalibrate my personal life but wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with my career. I knew I was ready for a break, which is why I left Microsoft and took a year off to travel, wander aimlessly, and move to Oregon. I then took a job at a local company thinking I wanted less responsibility, and that the kind of work I did wouldn’t be a factor. Nope. My work matters a lot and I want to do wake up each day motivated and inspired in a respectful, collaborative environment. I started my own business to find the happy medium and realized that isn’t the sweet spot either. Discovery is key, and here is what I’ve learned when it comes to my career:

1. I thrive being part of a team. Going to work each day and connecting with smart people in an inclusive, engaging environment feeds me. Being a temporary team member for my recent customers has been good, but I’ve realized it isn’t enough. I’m not fulfilled. I want to be part of a bigger purpose, solving hard problems, and surrounded by people going the same direction.
2. Continuity in my work is a must. I’m a builder. l want to help an employer assess what needs to be done from a communications perspective. I want to create a plan, I want to know what the executive team and employees want, I want to design a custom communications program that meets those goals, then build out the program, iterate on it, sustain it, and make improvements. Strategic thinking is a must and being able to dip into the tactics as needed helps feed my desire to impact people through my work.
3. Finally, I thrive as a conduit. I want to have amazing relationships with employees, as well as the leaders of a business, and be able to liaison and bridge the gaps. I want to help them understand each other and work as a cohesive unit to do our best work together. I want employees to feel part of a strategic purpose and an integral part of the business. When you have an authentic, inclusive work place that truly values employees, you will improve retention, create energetic collaboration, and get stoked to show up every day. You get out of it what you put in.

All of this to say I’m ready to find a new job. I have great clarity on the work I want to do and the type of environment I want to be in. I do know I love where I live, so my goal is to stay in Eugene. I’ve made incredible friends and can already feel my roots digging deeper, so my intention is to work for a local company or find a remote position. I won’t rule out other opportunities but am willing to travel as needed to strike the balance of living in a more remote place. I’m confident in my remote-working abilities (after years of doing it) and savor working from home while still having an impact and exceeding commitments.

I trust I’ve been doing exactly what I’m supposed to in preparation for my next step. Regrets are useless – you learn from risks and discomfort. Not knowing what it is next would have made me nervous in the past (I’m a planner, love structure, and mitigating the what-ifs). Now I trust the process. I’ll be patient as I search for what feels right. Set the intention, let the Universe know what you want, be vulnerable and put yourself out there, and all will happen in the right time. Here’s to the unknown, living life in the moments, and welcoming new opportunities

 

The Next Wean Chapter

I’ve been quiet in the atmosphere on some big life stuff, but have been opting to work through things in my head and through a lot of conversations over happy hours. But today…today I have an overwhelming urge to blog. To put it out there to the Universe and to those who know me best.

I quit my job last month. My final day was May 10th. Unlike my leave from Microsoft, that was planned and had a year-off waiting for me, this one was pretty sudden. I listened to my gut. I was there just over a year and decided I didn’t want to be there anymore. Why did I leave so soon? It wasn’t the right place for me. I wasn’t being my most authentic self – but more on that in a bit. What was right about it was the people I got to work with. As my friend Rayma has said, I’m a collector of people, and I collected some really great friendships while I was there. I also got to do work that I’d not done before. It was a learning experience, and for that (and to each of you reading this who are one of those people) I’m grateful.

One of my biggest learnings was that I want to do the work that I’m truly passionate about. I love creating. I love being a conduit for others to be heard, valued, and to grow in life and at work. I want to help people, and companies, find the most authentic, meaningful way to connect with employees and customers through clear, concise communications strategies. This is what motivates me and gets me excited.

So I figured I’d go back to what I know – maybe back at Microsoft or try out Amazon. I threw my hat in the ring, knowing that part of this would be a decision that would most likely require I go back to Seattle. It’s been 9 years since I was there, and I thought I wanted to go back. I have so many close friends, family, and familiar places that used to bring me joy.

What I’ve realized though after a few trips back and sitting with the idea of “being” there is it is no longer my place. That lifestyle is not something I want to go back to. Not only the big city, but the corporate grind. The people would have been a blessing, but I know it is more than that. I also left corporate life for a reason, and I would not be true to myself if I went backwards. It was what I needed at that point in life, but it no longer will get me where I want to be. I have a sign that sits prominently in my home from my friend Rachel, “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” So much truth.

The question then becomes, what lies ahead?

I know I want to stay in Eugene. It is my place and the friendships I have made here are ones that I want to continue to have in my life. So what the heck am I going to do for work?

I’m starting my own consulting business.
Blank Canvas Communications.

I want to help companies design the communications strategies that help them authentically connect with employees and customers. I want to help business leaders be their most genuine self, and I want employees to feel connected to the strategy of the company, nurtured, and like they can do their best work each day while being true to their values and purpose in life. Give me a blank canvas and trust me to create the perfect work of art for you and your organization.

I want to create my own work life. I want to embrace what motivates me to get up each day, while still being able to have the balance of living a semi-vagabond lifestyle when PennyG and I have the urge to road trip. I want to be able to bring the work I’m most passionate about to the Eugene tech community, and beyond. We have a growing technology scene here – there are over 425 tech start-ups. Not to mention the other industries that thrive around manufacturing, wine making, craft beer, and more.

I have been talking with different companies in town about how I could come in and help build their communications and marketing plans. These conversations have totally energized me and given me the epiphany I needed:

I’m truly a builder, not a sustainer. So ultimately, if I was truly successful doing the work I love, at any company I went to, I would create the plan, implement the plan, measure and tweak to ensure it is working well, and then let others maintain it while I go build the next great thing.

The idea of working with the companies I have talked to gets me fired up. Because yes, I sooo want to do this for them. But what I’ve accepted as my truth these past few weeks is: Why do it just for one? Why not try and help multiple companies in a way that more will benefit from my knowledge and expertise, and I’ll have the joy of helping even more companies and people than I could have hoped for.

So that is what I am building. I’m spending my days working on my business strategy, offerings, content, logo and branding, website development, Facebook page, business development ideas – you name it, it’s all in the works. I have a small group of business mentors that I also feel incredibly fortunate to have by my side, supporting/encouraging the concept and need for the work I want to do, as well as my ability to make it happen.

I’m trusting myself on this. I’m going to give it everything I got. I did this every single day for 20 years for others, so now I’m going to give myself that same commitment, focus, and care.

As author Jen Sincero says in her book You Are a Badass, “There’s nothing as unstoppable as a freight train full of fuck yeah.”

My fridge now adorns the magical words.
And so it will be.

 

 

 

Finding my voice.

I read this quote today, “When spoken, a thing exists.”

I have a “thing” and am choosing to give this “thing” that has been living inside of me some space to exist. I feel like doing this will let me be honest with myself in ways I’m not very good at. Thoughts constantly tumble around in my head and get stuck in a constant churn, so I feel like I need to let these words have a voice of their own.

My thing: I believe that I am not good enough to be loved and needed. At least not unless I do something. If I give, then I get.

I have spent 42 years trying to make others happy. I learned early in life that if I do something right/helpful/nice/needed (insert the best word) then I get something for it. That could be praise, adoration, benefit or favor, attention, and especially love. The list is endless. I have spent years perfecting this pattern and if I do say so myself, I’ve gotten very good at it.

But I’m done. I don’t want to be a pleaser and I don’t want to be a fixer, I just want to be the best version of Angie and know that I can be me and be accepted for that.

And let me be clear…I genuinely want to help people and be there for them. That is the mark of a true friend. I try to be this kind of friend every day, but there is another flavor to this that isn’t healthy. I’m doing this unhealthy behavior with people where I don’t feel I can be accepted for just being me. And if dig deep and get brutally honest, it is with the relationships that should be the most honest, sincere bonds that we have. Yet for me that hasn’t felt like the case.

I did this in my marriage and it started off okay. I gave, I got. But then the resentment started to build and I realized I had become my own worst enemy. I was trapped and couldn’t escape the reality I had helped create. So I found my only option was to escape, and try to change my behavior and get back to “me”.

What I realized as I stepped away from that experience, was that it was ingrained in me. I had just as much ownership in the failure of that union because I couldn’t be a better version of myself because I felt so low. And as I tried to peel back the layers I realized it wasn’t something I learned because of him, but that I learned this in my childhood. I had done this most of my life with one of my parents. I would be the good kid so that I was loved. I would help around the house and do my part, so then I was needed. It is so messed up when I hear myself saying this and realizing the different versions of this action I created over the years. Rinse and repeat.

In the past year, I have been trying to change my behavior and be really honest with myself. The change has proven incredibly painful. I’ve realized I’ve trained people to expect a certain version of “Angie”, so when I have tried to change the old patterns it has been disruptive for others. It has been heartbreaking to see some relationships so impacted by me trying to change a habit I’ve perfected.

I was talking with a spiritual mentor today and she said, “You are bright. Intelligent in so many ways – but I mean bright in spirit. You love adventure and biting into life. Right now you are wallowing in a dark place and getting pulled into a direction that is not who YOU are.”

Her words hit home. Life has been dark for me the past six months and I have been trying so hard to be a light for someone else; to help fix things for someone else’s benefit. And I’ve done it because I felt needed and loved at some level. But that has to change. I have to change. I am ready to change. I have a strong group of people who are shining a bright light in my life right now and so I’m going to be the moth and gravitate towards their light.

They always say acknowledging the problem is the first step, so I’m here to be honest with myself and with you. I’m a pleaser and a fixer and I’m done doing this. I am going to work every day to know that I’m loved and accepted for being me. My mantra in this new year is simple. “I am loved just as I am.”

I’m going to take better care of my head and heart this year. I will love and care for others, but I will make myself the priority. I’m going to be kinder to my soul. I’m going to extend grace to myself. I’m going to surround myself with the people and experiences that feed me in loving, nurturing ways. This is my time.

As the quote said at the start of this post, “When spoken, a thing exists.” So here’s to a year of waking up every day and knowing I am loved just as I am.

Thankful & a Raccoon!

Tonight, as I enjoy my Thanksgiving supper alone, I’m reflecting on all I have to be thankful for. The list is long. It includes the family I love and the friendships that I deeply value. People that are close in heart, but not always close in distance. Yet each of you continue to impact my life in ways that helps me strengthen the foundation I am building for myself.

Raccoon Lasagna

Earlier in the week, the office was a buzz with “what are you doing for Thanksgiving” conversation. People asked, but few really seemed to sincerely care about the response. Regardless, I shared my plans of spending the day alone, attending a movie, making lasagna, and just having some Angie time. People seem shocked when you want to spend a day alone. To the few who invited me to their celebrations, I appreciate you. I choose to have my holiday just as I wanted it: quiet, reflective, appreciative, and full of how I wanted to spend the time.

In my past life, Thanksgiving had become a holiday that was over engineered. Like my desire to live more freely and in the moment, I realized a well-timed Turkey and perfectly mashed potatoes serve a purpose, but that it doesn’t have to be my purpose. Instead, I’ve embraced the unconventional. The extreme joy I felt this evening when I baked lasagna and then put fresh cat foot out for the strays who seems to congregate on my back porch was a normal thing. But the over-the-top elation I experienced when I was talking to a dear friend and I spotted a raccoon sneaking onto my patio for a Thanksgiving-day feast…that might have been the best gift of all.

As a little girl I had a pet raccoon named Bandit. She was the sweetest creature that I cared for as a three-year old girl who values her best raccoon…until she had babies and became a protective raccoon, touché. Seeing that raccoon come around this evening made me very happy. So much so that I made it a plate of lasagna, green beans and garlic bread in case they were looking for the upgraded meal.

I’m ending my day full of great memories… When I was a little girl I could always rely on going to my Nan’s house and she would have Oreo cookies for me. We would talk for hours, play games, and dip cookies in milk while just experiencing life. I’m concluding my day on these exact memories. I’ve treated myself to Oreos, which I haven’t eaten in years. And I’m savoring the life I’m re-creating and the people and friendships I’ve chosen to surround myself with. Who knew being so alone could drive so much gratitude.

My life is full and I deeply appreciate each of you being a part of it. And on Apple Cup Eve…GO COUGS!!  😉

Try Everything; Life is Too Short

While this blog is going to be serious, I have to admit that just coming up with the title gave me a good chuckle. A mix of a Shakira song from the movie Zootopia, and one of my favorite old-school rappers, Too Short, circa 1998. And the words couldn’t be more true…

This is one of those posts that I have to do for me. Nobody can read it and I’ll be okay with that because it is out of my head. It means my brain has finally processed it enough that I can hopefully start to better understand “the why” of what happened.

And there will be major aspects of this story that are left out. It isn’t intended to leave you hanging, but instead it is my way of protecting those involved. There is so much hurt with this story that I want to protect the impacted, while still honoring the learnings from it.

On Sunday, July 3, I went with a friend and a few of his friends I didn’t know out on the Siuslaw River here in Oregon. Being afraid of water, I wasn’t actually in the river, but instead sat on the dock as everyone jumped in to play and enjoy the warm day and the cool rush of the river. In less than 10 minutes of being in the water, one of the guys with us was suddenly out of sight. Sparing everyone the tragic details, I can tell you that this 23-year-old young man drowned. It was a split second, right in front all of us, and it was the most incredibly hopeless feeling in the world.

As I kept scanning the water and searching for a sign of him, I kept thinking how surreal the entire situation was. How there was no way what was happening was actually happening. He had just been there, playing in the water. And now he was nowhere in sight. His body was eventually found, but it was too late.

I wanted so badly to jump in and try to search for where I had last seen him. Some of you might recall from previous posts that I’ve got a solid fear of water and I knew that me jumping in, being a weak-at-best swimmer and attempting to search for somebody underwater was not going to be a good scenario. While I desperately wanted to, I couldn’t will myself into the water. It was the worst feeling and a moment that I’ve replayed in my head hundreds of times since it happened.

I have been racking my brain for over a week on “the why”. Why did this happen? Why was I there? What am I supposed to learn from this?

Why did this happen? This answer actually come a bit naturally for me, based on my Buddhist beliefs and the trust that there are no coincidences – our paths are already chosen for us and we are fortunate to live every day we have. I believe this was his day. He was in a beautiful place, surrounded by laughter and went without struggle. I feel very much at peace knowing he had chosen this time and location; no coincidences.

Why was I there? There was a young girl there who I realized had no business sitting by and watching as the tragedy unfolded. All of the adults were in response mode and I went into protection mode, trying to limit the trauma she was exposed to as much as I possibly could. I removed her from the scene, kept her distracted as best as I could while the rescue team arrived and did their work, and then got her back to Eugene, and to the comfort of her mom. Being able to do my best to help this sweet, innocent life understand what was unfolding, while keeping her safe from the details was my biggest why. Knowing this and having spent time with her since that day has reinforced this. While nobody would want to place themselves in this type of situation, I’m so grateful I could be there for her, and that she could be a sense of caring and cheer for me on these incredibly dark days.

What am I supposed to learn from this? I feel like I have said this a lot the past 2.5 years as my life has undergone major transformations, but it is incredibly important for me to repeat it now – life is so short. We have to savor every moment. The people we are with, the relationships we have, the experiences we want to pursue and the hopes we’ve yet to fulfill… waiting doesn’t do us any good.

This weekend I watched Zootopia and it was the perfect amount of lightheartedness and hopefulness that my world needs right now. In typical Angie fashion, I heard a song that resonated. Over the past week, as I have sat and thought about the young man that lost his life and what I can do to honor it, this song has managed to stick in my head and be that song of remembrance.

Try Everything (by Shakira)

I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
Though I’m on the lead
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

I end this post honoring and remembering Duong Ngo. Duong (pronounced like you are saying Yong), while your life ended early, I have a deep trust that you went peacefully and that you were ready. The fact we had just briefly met and immediately had a connection in that neither of us like the Huskies…it was a bond that will never be broken. I will hold your spirit close and trust your next lifetime will be full of your bright, beautiful smile.

You will be Forever Duong.

My favorite version of the song Forever Young , by Alphaville

Facebook Memorial Page

YouCaring site to help support the family and the funeral expenses.

The Stanford Verdict

Today at work, one of the guys asked me my opinion on the news around the Stanford rape outcome. I had no idea what he was referencing, as I have a tendency at times to close myself off from mainstream media. Curious, I came home to get a better idea of what he was talking about. I was completely sickened by what I read – not just the verdict, but the manner with which the guilty party and his family have responded.

Then I read the eloquent, deeply moving letter the victim read to her abuser while in the courtroom. It stirred a lot of emotion for me that I wasn’t expecting. I felt an immense amount of anger at the system, and how people can hurt others and not take the time to care for their fellow beings. It is so completely jacked up in so many ways. But most of all, I feel a deep sense of pride in her strength. Proud that she was able to speak up and be an example. Proud that she can hopefully inspire and instill strength for others.

But through all of this, I’m still pondering it hours later. I tried going to bed early because I was exhausted, yet I find myself lying there and still thinking about it. So what else to do but get up and get it out of my head with a post.

Here is what is sitting with me and stirring in me – a stand needs to be made like this on all forms of abuse. People do this every day to people they say they love. That isn’t love. Victims silently suffer and those around them have no idea. In some ways, I believe that when we suffer in this silence, we unintentionally let it be okay; we allow the behavior to continue. I know that in my past life I was guilty of giving the free pass for many years – I was strong minded, strong willed, and felt I was strong enough to deflect it – so I just took it day after day. Looking back I often wish that just once I would have been physically hurt; I think that crossing that threshold would have told me it was finally okay to walk away.

Like so many, I endured. I allowed it to continue. But then I realized that I wasn’t being true to me and the life I wanted for myself; I had finally had enough. I never wrote a 12-page manifesto, but I can promise you that the victim was spot on when she said, “My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me.”

If this is happening to you – any form of abuse – be it mental, physical, verbal, sexual – it needs to stop. You are worth so much more. Your value isn’t determined in how low others push you down; stop giving them that power. Your strength is buried down deep and you have the ability to let it rise up. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. I can promise you that the new life you can create for yourself is exactly what you are worthy of.

If you don’t have the tools to get help, please ask somebody you know and trust. At the very least reach out to me and I will do whatever I can to help you get the support and care you need.

As the victim eloquently closed her letter she stated:

Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light…you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you.

 

Quotes compliments of the Washington Post

 

Day 1 of f’n employed

Oh my goodness…my brain hurts. Not like a sort of hurts, but “what did I get myself freakin’ into?!” hurts. One fast story and then I promise to make the rest short and sweet.

One of my new peers is chatting with me and she says, “You look familiar.” We go through a laundry list and determine we played basketball against each other in high school. She played at Columbia River. She said, “Please don’t tell me you played at R.A. Long. I hated them.”  SURPRISE! Once a Lumberjill, always a Lumberjill!! I offered to go outside for some 1:1 hoops and she declined. Duh. At least now I know why she didn’t like us. We were better and apparently still have that reputation. 😉

My “HOLY CRAP” Moments:

 

1. They use Macs. The last time I used a Mac was in 1998 – enough said.
2. They use Google Docs. I don’t. I don’t even know how to sort of use it.
3. In my first two hours I did training with HR, which included an in-house made, 5-minute video on the proper technique for riding on the Hover Boards. I’m not joking.
4. I have to sign a Hover Board waiver. Drug testing? Nope. Hover Boarding? Yep.
5. I met with my manager after the HR orientation and after that he gives me a list of about 50 people to meet with during my 30-day on-boarding. I then realize I have to schedule invites and I have NO idea how to use a Google calendar. Talk about feeling like a complete idiot.

 

The good news:

1. They are located along the Willamette River and my desk looks out at the River and the path I’m always walking. How convenient for my sanity!
2. They cater lunch every day and I sat with a large table of dev’ish type guys and they were all very nice to me. Phew!
3. There are espresso machines, every kind of milk you can imagine, and syrups as far as the eye can see.
4. Endless snacks – both healthy and totally unhealthy. i.e. they had fresh made peanut butter cup cookies in massive cookie jars on the counter. Seriously? You might as well put up the “free beer” sign too. I’m going to have to dig in for my discipline at this place!
5. All desks are sit/stand, which is great ’cause I love standing most of the time.
6. They have exercise balance disks at every desk so you can sort of work on leg strength and balance while working. I had to adjust my height because I was getting motion sick. Not joking.
7. They have treadmill desks you can use.
8. The people are all very kind.
9. I kind-of get what I’m going to need to do and think I can do it.
10. I followed everyone’s advice and smiled. I think I can win them all over AND make a difference. Brilliant!

 

I’ll try and get some fun photos and share as I can, but I wanted to thank everyone for the support and for giving me such a great confidence boost with your FB messages, text notes, calls, and more. It felt good having my friends virtually by my side as I survived Day 1.