I want to do nothing.

Tonight, I have a hankering to write. I’m not sure what as gotten in to me, but I can feel the Universal energy around me shifting. This post might be a bit vague, as I’m not sure what I’m intending to achieve with my words, I just have these parallel thoughts in my head and I think they will come together.

Thought 1: I made a big decision yesterday. I chose me.
I’ve done this before, as many of you know who from my Williams days, but this was different. I have had a sick, toxic person in my life for 3+ years. I was un-intentionally raised codependent, as someone who aims to help fix and please others. In this friendship/relationship existence, I thought I could bring normalcy to someone else’s life by being a light, bringing new perspectives, and loving with all my might. I finally realized you can’t force that on someone who isn’t open to fully receiving it. I learned the only person I can truly change is myself. I learned that for someone else to love me, they have to wholly love themselves first. Big, meaty lessons.

Some days I feel worn by the lessons. Some were on frickin’ repeat and I kept allowing the pain and then the recovery. I won’t share much more, but I do want to say this to each of you: Addiction is painful and cruel to all involved. If you are battling it and need someone to listen, I am here. If you are fighting demons that tell you that you are not worthy, please know I will listen, I am here. There are support groups for all facets of addiction and for all involved. If you need pointers please let me know and I’ll do my best to share the knowledge I’ve accrued over the past few years.

Yesterday, I drew a line that has taken me far too long to draw. No contact. I have blocked and removed this tragic cycle of chaos from my life. I can no longer live that life. I want more for me and this is not my battle. I want to live fully. I want to explore and adventure. I want to do nothing. I know above all else, a life of addiction is something I don’t want. (Disclaimer: I’m fully aware there are many types of addictions – we all have addictive things. Just trying taking my coffee from me… But this is a level that I’ve never seen or experienced before and is a level of heartbreak and tragedy that deeply saddens me to know people live with this every day.)

Thought 2: I need to make things happen.
As I was journaling tonight, I stopped, got up, and grabbed a card from my dear Aunty in India. When I left, she wrote me these words:

Dearest Angie,
Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And, whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen…..yourself, right now, right down here on earth.  It was great meeting you and Moksha. Will miss you all, but trust me you both will reside in my heart forever and my prayers too.

Love and Regards,
Pritha Aunty, 29^th April, 2019

Her actual hand-written note. It has sat prominently in my space since I arrived on May 4th. Thank you Aunty! xoxo

As I think about starting this new phase in my life with my new, 90-days-in job, a new place to live on my old’ish turf, reuniting with so many dear friends and my family…. I have just spent the past 3 months since coming back trying to balance and sort life. To prioritize what I do and don’t want. I’m feeling that grounded sense of purpose and am ready. I’m ready to make it happen – to make my own future, hope and love I can hear Aunty telling me this. She has a slow, concise, thoughtful way of talking that transfixes my attention. I absolutely adore this woman and miss her dearly. We will meet again…

Thought 3: I want to find someone to do nothing with.
I think I’m ready to officially, properly date (how is that for a tangent!). And to be honest – I’ve never been a dater. The idea sounds absolutely, terribly awful. But I’m open to possibilities. One friend joked I should write a dating profile, but not post it to a dating site and instead post to my blog and let my friends crowd-source for me. It’s not the worst idea. 😉

Here is what has struck me though… having dinner last night with friends, I said I wanted someone to do things with. Lori told me you’ll know someone is right when you want to do nothing with them. F n’ A Cotton… that was profound. She even called me on the fact that I have so many friends here – I can go do something with someone any time I want. I’m very blessed in that regard. But to have someone I’d be content doing nothing with… now that might be the ultimate.

I can see my dating profile already:
Title: Il Dolce Far Niente (The Sweetness of Doing Nothing)
Is your perfect Friday night doing nothing? Does a Saturday doing nothing but watching college football (and cheering for my Cougs) bring you joy? Can we plan nothing over Labor Day weekend so we can go see Dave Matthews at the Gorge? Call me.

I picked up this sign in a smoke-filled marble tile shop in a back alley in Rome. I paired it with old photos of Doodle (my grandpa) in my new space. 

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know I believe in manifesting the magic. I believe if I set the intentions that I will make it come to fruition. So, I’m putting it out there. I’m ready to find a healthy man that I can do nothing with. You all know me. You know what I’m about at my core. If you’re thinking, “I gotta guy…” Holla atcha girl. 😉

If you think I’m absolutely crazy, tell me that too! That is the beauty of wide open spaces.  And I’m thinking if I do go on any first dates, I will likely wear this:

Second date attire? Now I’m just cracking myself up! 😉